Mary, Beautiful Mary

Well, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my baby sister's murder. I have so many mixed emotions. Has it ALREADY been a year? It seems like it happened yesterday. Has it ONLY been a year? It feels like I haven't talked to her in decades. My feelings go back and forth, and back and forth.

Since she was killed in the middle of the night on Valentine's Day, as soon as all the Valentine's stuff started showing up, the emotions started to swirl. I had hoped to be in No. Cal with my family this weekend, but couldn't make it happen. I spent much of Sunday on the phone with my brother's and mom.

It's difficult to reconcile a 22 year old mother, sister, wife, daughter, being ripped away from us, but I do see the Lord's hand in it all. I'm telling you, if I didnt' see his hand, I'd be a basket case. Pure and simple. I praise God He holds me in His palm. That security cradles me, and I need that.

2008 was such a challenging year for us. In the midst of it, I was just bobbing my head up occasionally for air, trying to stay alive. Now, as I look back, I see God's hand sustaining me. We were already dealing with horrible health issues when Mary was killed. Her death was followed by 4 more deaths in a 6 month period, 5 total during that time frame. I remember telling Dana, it can't go on much longer, there's not that many live family members left after this.

When I look back, initially I wonder how I got through. (Not that I'm entirely through it yet.) And I see God's grace raining down on me. Family and friends that came along side us, and held us up. God gives us loved ones for a reason, and I can't imagine life without them.

I remember the dear friends that stayed on the phone with me for HOURS, crying and praying with me. Oh, how much I needed that.

Friends that helped talk me through the police investigation, the autopsy report, the idea of preparing her body for the funeral, picking out the casket.

I remember the drive to California to bury her, and being out in the middle of the desert and seeing a HUGE falling star. It was the size of my van, the most ENORMOUS falling star I ever saw, and it fell RIGHT in front of us. Dana and I both saw it, and were literally in awe, our mouths gaping. Neither one of us had ever seen ANYTHING like it. It was like God was showing us that He still had control, in spite of how things felt. And He sent us a rare thing of beauty, in the midst of ugliness.

Mary is gone. But God is good. He is altogether good.

I made it past the first one year mark. This is good. I know that Valentine's Day will sometimes be difficult for me, sometimes melancholy, sometimes just depressing. Father's Day is similar, since that's the day my Dad died. But, I'm not saying this lightly, I still have Christmas. I am grateful for that.

I want to thank you, my friends, for being there for me when I needed it. I thank God for you. If occasionally I seem a little quiet, please bare with me. While the Lord has brought me a looong way, I am still working through all of this, and it just takes time.

I love you!