Guy Smiley, or Not (Does anyone remember him?)

Got home from surgery number one a few hours ago, and I'm still a little dopey, but let's see how this comes out anyway! :)

I've been frantically running wild, trying to get EVERYTHING done before the surgeries began. I'm done shopping, wrapping, shipping, cleaning what's going to get cleaned and paid the bills. (No Christmas letter yet, for those who have asked.) I even got a hair cut, cut most of it off too, and I love it! One of the errands I had to do was to try to find a pair of cloggy looking shoes to wear post surgery, something to try to match the crazy frankenstein shoe I now have to wear on my left foot.

I can no longer wear flip-flops or cheap, thin shoes, since that is what got me into this mess. (Let that be a lesson to you kids.) Add that to having short, wide feet, and it now takes me longer than ever to find what I need. Monday afternoon Eden was feeling a little better and wanted to be with me, so we set out in search of the 'shoes'.

I don't even know how many stores we had been to with no luck, and each stop, Eden's stomach is starting to get a little more nauseous. By the time we made it to the last store, I knew this HAD to be the last store. I would just have to buy something and get my baby home. Every shoe they brought out that didn't fit, Eden would whine just a little louder. With each whine I asked myself, why did I agree to bring her? My nerves were frazzled. I was hungry. Eden was hungry. The young kid helping me kept trying to get me to try on a $125 pair of shoes, obviously paid on commission. I was done. I grabbed the pair that fit the best, which of course, were uglier than the old-lady orthopedic shoes I have to wear now, and went to pay so we could get home. By now Eden is thoroughly upset. I paid, grabbed my bag, grabbed Eden's precious little hand and turned to leave. As a I turned, my bag accidentally hit this older guy, who appeared to be dripping with money-clothes, jewelry, etc. I said, "Oh, please excuse me, I'm so sorry", and he just glared at me. He didn't speak a word, just glared, and walked completely around me. I was so frazzled, and so stressed out with everything going on and coming up, before I realized what was happening my eyes started to fill with tears. But then....Jesus called to mind the week Mary died, and our car trip from southern Arizona to Northern California. And I was comforted. Let me share with you just one instance from that trip.

It was me, Dana, the kids and my sister Danielle. We had found out maybe 24 hours prior that Mary had been murdered. We had so many questions and so much grief and shock. We had stopped somewhere near Mohave in a little town that must have had population 5, to get gas and some junk food. The whole drive prior to that, whenever we had a signal, we were on the phone with family in No. Cal. getting updates, comforting and be comforted. The drive involved spontaneous bursts of tears as we realized where we were going and why, and sweet smiles as we recalled Mary's life. But it was a hard drive. A sad drive. My mom had just called and said she wanted help picking out the casket and that she wanted me to help dress Mary's body. So this is where I was when we went into this store.

I was frantically trying to find something without gluten for Eden and trying not to contemplate the reason for this trip. Dani, Dana and I all managed to reach the register at the same time, and as soon as we got there, the lady asked us, "How are you doing today?". And the world stopped. It really did stop, or least pause. Dani, Dana and I all just stopped and turned and stared at each other, completely unaware of how we should answer this question. We searched each others eyes completely dumbfounded by this simple, ordinary question, and totally clueless how to answer.

Now, any other time, the answer would have been an entirely automatic, "just fine, how are you?". But for all three of us, for the first time, this question stumped us. The three of us all stopped staring at each other and turned to the clerk and said in unison, "fine". From our significantly delayed reaction, she probably thought we had robbed a bank, or had kidnapped these beautiful children. But as far as I know, she didn't call the cops.

This, I realized, was my first encounter with someone other than family since we had gotten this terrible news. And I realized that as we worked our way to No.Cal., I would be confronted with this question regularly, and I needed to be able to say, "fine", without this dramatic pause in between.

As the days and weeks passed, I was asked that question. And, I did learn how to say "fine", in a believable tone. But there were so many times I wanted to say, "I'm terrible, my baby sister was just murdered, how are you?" There were other times, when I'd be out, that someone would just smile at me. Those smiles became gifts, but the honest truth is that sometimes I didn't smile back. This is so unlike me and was NEVER intentional, because by nature I am a friendly person, but what would happen is that I would be so deep in thought that I wouldn't even realize someone had smiled at me until they had walked by and it was too late to smile back. The person would be long gone and it would register, hey, they smiled at me. I always felt terrible when that happened, but for the first time in my life, I realized that when someone didn't return a smile, it might be because it was impossible for them at the specific time.

Now, I am not excusing rudeness by any means whatsoever. But the honest truth is, smiles really are gifts, and if someone doesn't smile back, it doens't mean that they don't appreciate the smile or that they even recognized it. Now, when I smile at a stranger (I can finally smile again), if they don't smile back, I don't take it personally, I pray for them. There's a reason people don't smile back, and it's never a good one.

I can say, that I truly appreciate each smile I got during those rough, dark months. I felt like each smile was a little hug from God. Smiles are reminders that not everybody is evil or hateful. They are free, simple ways to share love, and make a difference when things suck.

I try to smile even more now. I'm always blessed when people smile back, and shocked at how many don't. But those are opportunities for prayer.

Sending you a smile,
:)