Guy Smiley, or Not (Does anyone remember him?)

Got home from surgery number one a few hours ago, and I'm still a little dopey, but let's see how this comes out anyway! :)

I've been frantically running wild, trying to get EVERYTHING done before the surgeries began. I'm done shopping, wrapping, shipping, cleaning what's going to get cleaned and paid the bills. (No Christmas letter yet, for those who have asked.) I even got a hair cut, cut most of it off too, and I love it! One of the errands I had to do was to try to find a pair of cloggy looking shoes to wear post surgery, something to try to match the crazy frankenstein shoe I now have to wear on my left foot.

I can no longer wear flip-flops or cheap, thin shoes, since that is what got me into this mess. (Let that be a lesson to you kids.) Add that to having short, wide feet, and it now takes me longer than ever to find what I need. Monday afternoon Eden was feeling a little better and wanted to be with me, so we set out in search of the 'shoes'.

I don't even know how many stores we had been to with no luck, and each stop, Eden's stomach is starting to get a little more nauseous. By the time we made it to the last store, I knew this HAD to be the last store. I would just have to buy something and get my baby home. Every shoe they brought out that didn't fit, Eden would whine just a little louder. With each whine I asked myself, why did I agree to bring her? My nerves were frazzled. I was hungry. Eden was hungry. The young kid helping me kept trying to get me to try on a $125 pair of shoes, obviously paid on commission. I was done. I grabbed the pair that fit the best, which of course, were uglier than the old-lady orthopedic shoes I have to wear now, and went to pay so we could get home. By now Eden is thoroughly upset. I paid, grabbed my bag, grabbed Eden's precious little hand and turned to leave. As a I turned, my bag accidentally hit this older guy, who appeared to be dripping with money-clothes, jewelry, etc. I said, "Oh, please excuse me, I'm so sorry", and he just glared at me. He didn't speak a word, just glared, and walked completely around me. I was so frazzled, and so stressed out with everything going on and coming up, before I realized what was happening my eyes started to fill with tears. But then....Jesus called to mind the week Mary died, and our car trip from southern Arizona to Northern California. And I was comforted. Let me share with you just one instance from that trip.

It was me, Dana, the kids and my sister Danielle. We had found out maybe 24 hours prior that Mary had been murdered. We had so many questions and so much grief and shock. We had stopped somewhere near Mohave in a little town that must have had population 5, to get gas and some junk food. The whole drive prior to that, whenever we had a signal, we were on the phone with family in No. Cal. getting updates, comforting and be comforted. The drive involved spontaneous bursts of tears as we realized where we were going and why, and sweet smiles as we recalled Mary's life. But it was a hard drive. A sad drive. My mom had just called and said she wanted help picking out the casket and that she wanted me to help dress Mary's body. So this is where I was when we went into this store.

I was frantically trying to find something without gluten for Eden and trying not to contemplate the reason for this trip. Dani, Dana and I all managed to reach the register at the same time, and as soon as we got there, the lady asked us, "How are you doing today?". And the world stopped. It really did stop, or least pause. Dani, Dana and I all just stopped and turned and stared at each other, completely unaware of how we should answer this question. We searched each others eyes completely dumbfounded by this simple, ordinary question, and totally clueless how to answer.

Now, any other time, the answer would have been an entirely automatic, "just fine, how are you?". But for all three of us, for the first time, this question stumped us. The three of us all stopped staring at each other and turned to the clerk and said in unison, "fine". From our significantly delayed reaction, she probably thought we had robbed a bank, or had kidnapped these beautiful children. But as far as I know, she didn't call the cops.

This, I realized, was my first encounter with someone other than family since we had gotten this terrible news. And I realized that as we worked our way to No.Cal., I would be confronted with this question regularly, and I needed to be able to say, "fine", without this dramatic pause in between.

As the days and weeks passed, I was asked that question. And, I did learn how to say "fine", in a believable tone. But there were so many times I wanted to say, "I'm terrible, my baby sister was just murdered, how are you?" There were other times, when I'd be out, that someone would just smile at me. Those smiles became gifts, but the honest truth is that sometimes I didn't smile back. This is so unlike me and was NEVER intentional, because by nature I am a friendly person, but what would happen is that I would be so deep in thought that I wouldn't even realize someone had smiled at me until they had walked by and it was too late to smile back. The person would be long gone and it would register, hey, they smiled at me. I always felt terrible when that happened, but for the first time in my life, I realized that when someone didn't return a smile, it might be because it was impossible for them at the specific time.

Now, I am not excusing rudeness by any means whatsoever. But the honest truth is, smiles really are gifts, and if someone doesn't smile back, it doens't mean that they don't appreciate the smile or that they even recognized it. Now, when I smile at a stranger (I can finally smile again), if they don't smile back, I don't take it personally, I pray for them. There's a reason people don't smile back, and it's never a good one.

I can say, that I truly appreciate each smile I got during those rough, dark months. I felt like each smile was a little hug from God. Smiles are reminders that not everybody is evil or hateful. They are free, simple ways to share love, and make a difference when things suck.

I try to smile even more now. I'm always blessed when people smile back, and shocked at how many don't. But those are opportunities for prayer.

Sending you a smile,
:)

Quilting Ladies ROCK!

Hello Friends!

Those of you that are my Facebook friends already know that Eden has been pretty sick since the day before Thanksgiving. Just to give a brief update for those who aren't on Facebook, she has been nauseous and having bone pain. Her doctors have agreed what tests to order and they both believe it is related to her Celiac. Even though she has been on a gluten-free diet for almost a year, they think that now that her insides have healed and she has started growing that these issues (that may have been masked when she was suffering from Celiac) have now become clearer. I don't know about all that, all I know is she has been sick for way to long and is missing out on a lot of fun things right now. We are awaiting test results that we hope to get back today or early next week and they have started her on a natural drink that is supposed to clear her intestines, and hopefully clear the nausea. She's been on the drink since Tuesday night, no progress yet. Please keep my precious darling in your prayers.

Did I mention that quilting ladies ROCK?!?! I belong to a very special group of quilters that meets from October through March. When I was there last Tuesday, one of these incredible women (named Adele) came up to me and said I heard Eden has been sick for sometime now. (She's never met Eden, and I don't even know how she heard she was sick.) I told her yes and gave her an update. She said, "Well, I HATE to see children suffer, and I have a very special porcelain doll, that is tired of living at my house without any children." (I am the only woman in the group that is not retired and living the golden years.) She told me she brought the doll today and wanted to give it to me to give to Eden with her love. I was shocked. First, because I didn't even know she knew Eden was sick, but secondly, was so surprised that she wanted to give Eden a 'special, porcelain doll'. And third, because it was an answer to prayer. You know how God answers prayer in unexpected ways....

So I go out to her car with her to get this doll, and imagine my surprise to see that this doll is the same size as Eden!!! I can't imagine what this doll must have cost her. Adele pulled this life-size doll out of her car and handed it to me crying, saying, "please tell your daughter that we're praying for her, and keep us updated". Oh, my heart! And it just happened that I was leaving quilting early that day to take Eden to get her blood drawn. She is TERRIFIED of having blood drawn and HATES it. She had been so sad and crying and I was praying for God to please help us encourage Eden to be brave and understand that the blood work was going to help us help her feel better. We were praying for God to comfort her and calm her. And then God sends this incredible doll through Adele!!! Only moments before her Dr. appointment. I started crying and told Adele what we had been praying. (It wasn't the material object, in and of itself, it was this little porcelain friend that Eden talk to and hold.) God is so faithful to bless us, even in times of need.

I have to share a picture of Eden with this doll:




Isn't it beautiful? Not only is the doll porcelain, but even her jewelry is porcelain. It still has this tag on it that the doll was limited to 2000 total. I was so awed at such an extravagant gift. I kept asking Adele if she was sure, and she said absolutely, the doll NEEDED a little girl. :)

What a blessing! I am so grateful to serve a Saviour who never forgets us, especially in our times of need.

Are you a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else?

Okay, Tricia and Alicia took this quiz on their blogs and my interest was piqued. After reading Tricia's description of Doris Day, I thought, Oh, I bet that's how mine would come up. NOT! I was surprised, but mine came up as Grace. I don't have any problems with that! I've always admired her.

This quiz reminded me a lot of horoscopes. You know how you can read the attributes of each sign, and there's always something that applies to you. Don't get nervy, I don't follow horoscopes, that's just what this reminded me. I was truly surprised that only 2 questions delivered the answer, and more surprised that the answer was definitely in line with my personality, almost dead on. Ah, the insights of psychology! :)

Here's my answer:

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Grace!

You are a Grace -- "I need to understand the world."

Graces have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be independent, not clingy
• * Speak in a straightforward and brief manner
• * I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts
• * Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable
• * Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity
• * If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place
• * don't come on like a bulldozer
• * Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy

What I Like About Being a Grace* standing back and viewing life objectively* coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects* my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure* not being caught up in material possessions and status* being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Grace

• * being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
• * feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
• * being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
• * watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Graces as Children Often

• * spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
• * have a few special friends rather than many
• * are very bright and curious and do well in school
• * have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
• * watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
• * assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
• * are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
• * feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Graces as Parents

• * are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
• * are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
• * may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
• * may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at

Challenging Days

First things first, I thought I had put a link in my last post to Julie's GREAT Christmas post, but I don't see it. So I'm trying it again. If you haven't read it, please check it out, what an encouragement to enjoy the simple pleasures of Christmas.

Okay, now on to life. Life is so......well, its so......how can I say this? Let's say challenging, shall we? Life is actually LOTS of things, but just for the moment, let's say its challenging. My precious Grandpa, the one I love soooo much that I named my son after him, was brought out here about 2 or 3 weeks ago and dropped off at my mom's. His wife just couldn't handle his memory issues anymore. They are both in their 80's and it just got to be too much for her. She drove out from California to drop him off, was here maybe 20 minutes, and then drove all the way back to California. My Grandpa is so hurt he won't even mention her name. My mom is struggling being her dad's parent. Its....challenging.

Yesterday, my Mom went for a routine dr. visit and they discovered multiple goiters and lumps and bumps on her thyroid. They did biopsies then and there, but the stress in Mom's house was already pretty high before this. They said they'd have her biopsies back by Monday, so at least there won't be a long wait. My mom is having several health issues right now, and each time we discover a new issue, its like another piece of the puzzle to issues she's had for over 20 years now. Hopefully these issues will help explain her other issues. But I can see she's concerned, she's responsible for caring for her dad now, and as she puts it, she can't afford to be sick. Her life is......challenging.

Now for me, sitting here watching my Grandpa, one of the greatest men in my entire life, return to a child like dependence, and watching my mom starting to have all kinds of medical 'things' popping up, unnerves me. Oh, I know its part of the circle of life, we come into this world entirely dependent on others for our physical well being. and if we live long lives, we often go out entirely depending on others for our physical well being. I know that this is how God made us and that God is in control of this too, but its hard to watch your parents age. As we age, our parents age, and I see lots of my friends struggling with the very same issue: aging parents and how to care for them. I know I'm aging, but it just seemed like THIS challenge was still in the distant future for me. Hmmmmm.......good thing I have a Saviour!!!

This life IS challenging, and I just can't imagine walking through it without the Lord supporting me and sustaining me. I praise Him that my peace comes from within, but boy, how I would like to see my Mom and Grandpa have that peace too. This is my prayer. That through these challenging circumstances, they would seek Him who can meet ALL their needs. Afterall, if I haven't learned anything else, I do know that challenges help us grow closer to Him. If we never lean on Him, we will never know His enduring love and support for us. So I'm leaning, and I'm leaning hard!

Meanwhile, back at blogger.......

Howdy!

I honestly don't plan on moving my blog every other year, its just that Xanga changed and I lost a lot of my freedom there, and blogger has changed and allows more freedom now than before. I don't like constraints. Ha Ha!!!

It feels so weird to blog after not blogging for so long. I miss it, but it seems odd that anyone else would want to read whats in my frazzled mind. But frazzled as it is, lets explore it! :)

I was so encouraged by the post on Julie's blog about not spending money for Christmas. Honestly, how can you really appreciate the true spirit of Christmas if all you're thinking about is money? I don't think it is possible. Every year I think I'm going to make hand made gifts, and every year I wait too long. If I'm lucky I get one or two handmade gifts out, but thats about it. I'm resolving to improve that ratio!!! That was a great post Julie! Thanks!

In other news, December is going to be a doozy here. I'll be having foot surgery on the 17th and the uterine surgery on the 23rd. Now that I'm sitting down thinking about it, it seems CRAZY to go under a week apart!!! And so close to Christmas. But we have met our deductible for the year, and I told them to please do everything that needs to be done before the end of the year. Ahhhh, money and insurance.

The foot surgery will keep me off my foot for 4 to 6 weeks. So all of my Christmas preparations will need to be done before the 16th! Yikes!!! I better get busy!!! The hard part will be that I will need help getting my kids to where they need to be and I HATE being a burden. I'm a proud girl, and I know I shouldn't be.

I am so excited, though, to have my foot fixed and to know that I can be back on my treadmill or at least walking the track in a couple of months. I haven't been able to exercise (other than swimming) since last spring. So I am really excited to have the hope of using my foot again. Who knew I was taking my feet for granted???

Speaking of which, it is so easy for us to take advantage of our good health, isn't it? As long as things are working, we don't even think about things like feet, or hands, or even uteruses. Ha Ha!!! :) But I'm telling you, we need our feet!!! It's so obvious, but think of all the things you do with your feet. You play with your kids, you walk through the grocery store, you stand in church to sing, you wash dishes, mow the lawn, hang Christmas decorations. And all, with the help of your feet. I've come to appreciate my feet. They support me, good times and bad, just like a great friend. Thank you God for my feet!

:)